Thursday, April 26, 2012

For Payton, my angel

I have been so touched and overwhelmed with the 30+ posts and the numerous pink flowers that have or will be planted (thanks to Winston's Pink Flower campaign) dedicated to the one and only Pugnacious P.  Now I want to pay tribute to my angel, honoring and celebrating her life.

March 21, 2003 - March 30, 2012


My sweet girl,

The morning you left us, it seemed as if the entire world was crying as a strong rainstorm blew into Chicago.  Your inspirational life touched so many.  You left a large imprint on this earth in such a short time here.  I will never be the same having known you and loved you.  

I miss you.  I still expect to see you as I go about the day at home.  I think about you so often.  You have left quite a hole in my heart, but I know you are being patient with me through my tears as I try to fill the emptiness with wonderful memories.

I have never felt such deep sorrow and joy all at once.  You were a beautiful gift.  The years we shared were some of the most significant time of my life.  You have taught me so much.  I know it is all of those things that will stay with me.  I hope to make you proud.

I was not ready to see you go, but I understand that it was time.  Thank you for fighting so hard to stay with us for so long.  We will not let all of our struggles be in vain.  Your dad and I promise that we will continue to raise awareness about PDE and share your story of hope to whoever will listen.  We will figure out how to help and what to do, fighting the battle as you did so bravely for all these years.

I will not say goodbye.  I look forward to the day when you suddenly stop playing with (or supervising) all of your new friends at the bridge because you have spotted me.  Oh, to see your tail wagging and feel your soft kisses again!  At that time, we will go to heaven together and never be parted again.  I will be your mom for eternity.

I love you,


I created another slide-show/video with a few pictures from each year of Payton's life.  Same problem as yesterday's post/video...must be the music or something that has issues with embedding it, so here is the URL:  Please take a look when you have a chance.  It makes me smile at how serious her face looked as a puppy.  As adorable as she was then, I really have a soft spot for her later years.  She was a beautiful old lady.  And Payton had the cutest smile, at any age.  But it was her personality that won our hearts.  She had such spunk and attitude, yet could be so sweet and loving.  Always happy, eager to please and eat.  She gave us so much and only wanted love (and a few treats) in return.  Even in her last minutes, she used all the energy left in her little body to let us know how much she loved us.  I am so glad that Tim and I were able to give Payton a great life.  She deserved everything we gave her and more.  She was one of a kind.  The best pug ever.

Gosh, I just miss her.  I know I keep saying that, but I lack the ability to express it any other way.  I still cry every day and can't seem to shake the pit in my stomach.  I have never felt grief like this, I never really knew what it felt like.  I'm not going to rush through my feelings for fear of someone thinking it's not healthy or it's been too long.  I'm going to follow my heart and work through this at my own pace.  I know that I will eventually smile and laugh more than cry.  I just need time.  I have no doubt I will get through this.  I will be strong for my brave girl.

Over the last month, there have been so many things said and done for me by such great people in this tight community.  Each time someone has reached out, it has helped to start the healing process, a little bit at a time.  There are still so many to thank...please be patient with me as I try to get to everyone.  It has been a sad time not only with the loss of Payton, but so many others that left us before we were ready.  I found the following cards, quotes, and comments to be particularly comforting so I want to share them with you now.

We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle; easily and often breached.  Unable to accept its awful gaps, we would still live no other way.  We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan.
--  Irving Townsend        
In a perfect world, death would never be. Love would be forever, and last eternally. In a perfect world, you’d still be by our side, lighting up our happy lives. You never would have died. In a perfect world, sadness would not be found. Love and life, and happiness forever would abound. Perhaps that perfect world awaits us when we die. A world where eternal bliss is found in heaven’s sky. We’ll cling to faith and hope, for God is a God of love, and in His time we’ll join you in a perfect world above.
--  Ron Tranmer             
In the rising of the sun And in it's going down, In the blowing of the wind And in the chill of winter, In the opening of buds And in the rebirth of spring, We will remember you. In the blueness of the sky And in the warmth of summer, In the rustling of leaves And in the beauty of autumn, In the beginning of the year And when it ends, We will remember you. When we are weary And in need of strength, When we are lost and sick at heart, When we have joys we yearn to share, We will remember you. For long as we live, you too shall live, For you are a part of us, And we will always remember.

And in the pink flowers we remember Payton, a brave and loyal little pug, and her loving family. Payton will always be there, always be a part of us because she touched our hearts. And we will always remember.
Payton was sent to you for a reason.  She taught you what she was supposed to and then it was time for her to move on.  As you heal and recover, you'll figure out what you are supposed to do with what you have learned.
I fully believe that we will be together with these [fur] babies in Heaven.  I know without a doubt that there won't be a single desire of my heart that is not met in Heaven.  I won't have a single want that is not fulfilled.  God knows the longings of my heart, and this is one of them.  I believe He will provide.

Tomorrow I'll be back one last time to wrap up this great blogging adventure.


PS.  I keep forgetting to tell you all about a blog called Our Rainbow Friends, and I still have to put their badge on the sidebar.  It is a wonderful site that was created to honor all pets that cross the bridge.  The posts are simple but nice.  Payton's post on this blog was published already.


Punchbugpug said...

The thing with grief is that everyone deals with it differently. You deserve to mourn and grieve at your own pace and no one should judge. Those that have not yet lost someone can not possibly understand that chest crushing, heart ripping feeling. Grief also changes as we age and realize that nothing is immortal. I have no doubt that Payton is tearing up Heaven with her fiesty little personality and will be waiting for belly scratches and snuggles from you and Tim. Mourn my friend, but know it is okay to live too....

ps - can't open video - content problem

Meredith LeBlanc said...

I had the same feelings when I lost Nicki. It was nice for a while to be able to say, when asked, I feel awful ~ there's a beautiful truth in being able to share your grief.

Meredith & Scarlet

Tamara Watson said...

Wonderful tribute to your Payton.

Grieving is a process unique to each person. I know I've grieved for times that others thought unhealthy, but what could I do, my heart was shattered. I'm not sure the grieving ever goes away 100%, it just stops being so wrenching. With vivid memory, I can remember the exact moment when I was ready to move on, and it was a neighbor's pug who delivered the message. After six months of horrific grief, I saw a little pug barking at me from behind a gate and instantly knew I was ready for another dog. It was so clear. Shortly thereafter we adopted Babe. This is silly, but after losing Rooney, I wasn't sure if I could love another dog like I loved him - it's truly amazing what an endless supply of love we have to give. :)

Pearl said...

I continue to think of you guys so much, Christy.

The journey through grief is so hard and unpredictable. And because we are pug people, we get it. I can so tangibly imagine the gaping hole that will be left when I lose my girl one day. The tiny routine parts of my day that I don't even realize are about her. Every thing I do, errands I run, plans I make... her well-being is at the center of the decisions I make. And I get that for you. That void.

Praying that today is a good one. That there are snippets of fond memories that peek through your grief today.


Minnie and Mack said...

I hope that what you have written for and about Payton since she went on over the Bridge, has helped you with the grieving process. It is a personal process, just yours.

The video today, again, was beautiful!

Have you ever thought about writing a book of Payton? You have such a gift for writing...

We think of you and your family everyday and pray that your hearts will lighten in the days to come.

Minnie, Mack and Kathy

Noodles said...

There is no timetable for grief. Let it work through you and with you. Payton deserves to be grieved over because she was so special and so important in your life. I still get a little teary eyed when I think back on my first dog, Shillelaugh. She died an old dog and even then it was too soon. I still miss her smile and her funny ways.
Love Katherine, Mommy #2

Sammy and Neko said...

Major leakage. Take your time, Christy. More hugs on the way.

S and N and da human

Idaho PugRanch said...

Smiles and tears for these beautiful pictures. Such precious memories to treasure.

Bailey, Hazel and Linda

tubby3pug said...

I feel for you in your grieving and I hope that the blog world has offered you some comfort during this time. I sincerely hope that some day, when you are ready, even if it is years from now you open your heart to another canine love

urban hounds

RebTee said...

Oh, you will be missed online. As with all of the comments above, grief takes it's time to work through. Read and re-read and know that there are so many of us out here who share your grief and who understand what it is to lose a heart dog as special as Payton.

You were so lucky to have found each other.

Love to you all - and to Gampy, too!

RebT and Lola P

Tweedles -- that's me said...

Tears are love drops falling from your eyes.
Let them fall as often as they freely fall.
Speak the words that you feel.
We are listening.
Share the paw prints imprinted on your heart.
Your heart will heal in its own time.

Rae - Say It Ain't So said...

dont make anyone feel like you are mourning for too long. some people don't understand how these sweet babies can make such an impact on your life. Eventually you will be able to smile more often than you cry when thinking of her, though that might seem impossible now. i hope that day can some soon for you.

Frank The Tank said...

I found it hard to read these last posts because I miss Payton so much, I really hope that doing this blog has been wonderful for you and that all the posts since Paytons passing over the rainbow bridge along with the comments and loving healing thoughts from us all has helped you with the grieving process. I'm still sending healing thoughts to you and your family, its hard to heal a broken heart but in time it will get better, Love, Licks, Hugs and Kisses from Frank, Jemma and Malo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

Hi Payton's Mom -
I know I may come across as a tough guy but I couldn't stop leaking when watching that video of Payton. I had to pause it a few times. I really miss her very much. My 'rents and I always looked forward to her posts - especially the deep thoughts ones. I loved watching her swimming, too (I still need to try that myself!). We have enjoyed the posts you've written this month and understand that you need to go through the greiving process at your own pace and in your own way.

My 'rents and I are keeping you, Payton's dad, and Gammy & Gampy in our thoughts.


Southern Fried Pugs said...

You take as long as you need to to grieve. You spent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week caring for Payton. Your entire world revolved around her. And now that she's gone, it's like, what do you do? When your day isn't scheduled around feedings and pills and vet appointments, what is there? It's very similar to people who have been caring for a sick spouse or parent. All of their time has been spent on the loved one. And now that the house is empty, you don't have what others do, an escape to an outside job or book club or whatever. You feel the emptiness even more.
Take as much time as you need. It's like growing up. It takes the amount of time it takes and you can't do much to speed it up or slow it down.