For Payton, my angel

I have been so touched and overwhelmed with the 30+ posts and the numerous pink flowers that have or will be planted (thanks to Winston's Pink Flower campaign) dedicated to the one and only Pugnacious P.  Now I want to pay tribute to my angel, honoring and celebrating her life.

Payton
March 21, 2003 - March 30, 2012

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My sweet girl,

The morning you left us, it seemed as if the entire world was crying as a strong rainstorm blew into Chicago.  Your inspirational life touched so many.  You left a large imprint on this earth in such a short time here.  I will never be the same having known you and loved you.  

I miss you.  I still expect to see you as I go about the day at home.  I think about you so often.  You have left quite a hole in my heart, but I know you are being patient with me through my tears as I try to fill the emptiness with wonderful memories.

I have never felt such deep sorrow and joy all at once.  You were a beautiful gift.  The years we shared were some of the most significant time of my life.  You have taught me so much.  I know it is all of those things that will stay with me.  I hope to make you proud.

I was not ready to see you go, but I understand that it was time.  Thank you for fighting so hard to stay with us for so long.  We will not let all of our struggles be in vain.  Your dad and I promise that we will continue to raise awareness about PDE and share your story of hope to whoever will listen.  We will figure out how to help and what to do, fighting the battle as you did so bravely for all these years.

I will not say goodbye.  I look forward to the day when you suddenly stop playing with (or supervising) all of your new friends at the bridge because you have spotted me.  Oh, to see your tail wagging and feel your soft kisses again!  At that time, we will go to heaven together and never be parted again.  I will be your mom for eternity.

I love you,
Momma

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I created another slide-show/video with a few pictures from each year of Payton's life.  Same problem as yesterday's post/video...must be the music or something that has issues with embedding it, so here is the URL:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcbWV7jElE4.  Please take a look when you have a chance.  It makes me smile at how serious her face looked as a puppy.  As adorable as she was then, I really have a soft spot for her later years.  She was a beautiful old lady.  And Payton had the cutest smile, at any age.  But it was her personality that won our hearts.  She had such spunk and attitude, yet could be so sweet and loving.  Always happy, eager to please and eat.  She gave us so much and only wanted love (and a few treats) in return.  Even in her last minutes, she used all the energy left in her little body to let us know how much she loved us.  I am so glad that Tim and I were able to give Payton a great life.  She deserved everything we gave her and more.  She was one of a kind.  The best pug ever.

Gosh, I just miss her.  I know I keep saying that, but I lack the ability to express it any other way.  I still cry every day and can't seem to shake the pit in my stomach.  I have never felt grief like this, I never really knew what it felt like.  I'm not going to rush through my feelings for fear of someone thinking it's not healthy or it's been too long.  I'm going to follow my heart and work through this at my own pace.  I know that I will eventually smile and laugh more than cry.  I just need time.  I have no doubt I will get through this.  I will be strong for my brave girl.

Over the last month, there have been so many things said and done for me by such great people in this tight community.  Each time someone has reached out, it has helped to start the healing process, a little bit at a time.  There are still so many to thank...please be patient with me as I try to get to everyone.  It has been a sad time not only with the loss of Payton, but so many others that left us before we were ready.  I found the following cards, quotes, and comments to be particularly comforting so I want to share them with you now.

We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle; easily and often breached.  Unable to accept its awful gaps, we would still live no other way.  We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan.

--  Irving Townsend        

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In a perfect world, death would never be. Love would be forever, and last eternally. In a perfect world, you’d still be by our side, lighting up our happy lives. You never would have died. In a perfect world, sadness would not be found. Love and life, and happiness forever would abound. Perhaps that perfect world awaits us when we die. A world where eternal bliss is found in heaven’s sky. We’ll cling to faith and hope, for God is a God of love, and in His time we’ll join you in a perfect world above.

--  Ron Tranmer             

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In the rising of the sun And in it's going down, In the blowing of the wind And in the chill of winter, In the opening of buds And in the rebirth of spring, We will remember you. In the blueness of the sky And in the warmth of summer, In the rustling of leaves And in the beauty of autumn, In the beginning of the year And when it ends, We will remember you. When we are weary And in need of strength, When we are lost and sick at heart, When we have joys we yearn to share, We will remember you. For long as we live, you too shall live, For you are a part of us, And we will always remember.

And in the pink flowers we remember Payton, a brave and loyal little pug, and her loving family. Payton will always be there, always be a part of us because she touched our hearts. And we will always remember.

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Payton was sent to you for a reason.  She taught you what she was supposed to and then it was time for her to move on.  As you heal and recover, you'll figure out what you are supposed to do with what you have learned.

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I fully believe that we will be together with these [fur] babies in Heaven.  I know without a doubt that there won't be a single desire of my heart that is not met in Heaven.  I won't have a single want that is not fulfilled.  God knows the longings of my heart, and this is one of them.  I believe He will provide.

Tomorrow I'll be back one last time to wrap up this great blogging adventure.

Love,
Christy

PS.  I keep forgetting to tell you all about a blog called Our Rainbow Friends, and I still have to put their badge on the sidebar.  It is a wonderful site that was created to honor all pets that cross the bridge.  The posts are simple but nice.  Payton's post on this blog was published already.

From the family

I hope through reading this blog that you know how lucky I am to have the most supportive family... 

...not just my husband, but my parents too.  They were always very encouraging and enjoyed reading Payton's posts, even if they had been on the adventure or knew about the story.  Since things are wrapping up on Pugnacious P, I wanted to give them the opportunity to share something with you. 

It was crazy how much Payton loved her Gampy.  If he was near, no one else was given the time of day.  Tim and I were always thankful when she would still want to go home with us after a visit.  In case you didn't already know, my dad, Payton's Gampy, has his own blog, Life IS a bowl of cherries!, so I'm sure he will continue to write about Payton now and again.  That being said, this post just wouldn't be complete without him, so he's up first.

Today, I want to honor two people who devoted 9 years to the health, well-being, and love of one seriously sick pug.  Christy and Tim rearranged their lives without qualm when Payton was diagnosed with PDE.  I could go on for pages about their sacrifices but most of you who have unwaveringly followed this blog know all about the 24/7 round the clock care, the emergency and routine trips to the vets (near home and in Chicago), the extraordinary financial burden...well, you get the picture. Payton was a very fortunate little miracle.  Most families could not have done all those things and that's very understandable.   

The journey Payton and Christy took us on via Pugnacious P is a story of love, humor, sadness, joy, and hope, educating all of us about the horrific illness that is PDE.  I pray every day that Tim and Christy understand Payton's gift to them, that of ultimate love.  And that is what their sorrow should turn into with time, love for the many blessings they gave each other! 

Thank you, Christy.  Thank you, Tim.  Thank you, my little Noodle-Nose!

Love,
Gampy

There is no way to possibly count the number of times that my mom, Gammy, stepped up to help out and watch Payton so that I could still work during the first few years of Payton's illness, run errands, or go on a date with my husband.  Payton loved her Gammy, but she also liked to boss her around, demanding treats and toys.  They were great buddies and playmates.

Payton touched the deepest part of my heart that will always remain with me. I can remember her first visit to our house. Steve [Gampy] and I were waiting in the back yard with anticipation. She was the cutest thing I have ever set my eyes on. She immediately came over to us and showered her love all over our faces. And she never failed displaying her unconditional love towards us.

Payton was so precious how she would talk to me at the dinner table wanting more than a nibble. Her face always melted my heart, so I would give her treat after treat after treat! Her eyes were like no other. They were so expressive and human like. And the way she would use her paws to hold a toy was amazing. She always surprised me with her intelligence.

Not only was Payton adorable, but she was also very playful. And I took advantage of all the opportunities to play with her. Whenever Payton came to visit, the first thing she would do is go to the back room and stand by the dresser waiting for a new toy. Before we entered into the living room sometimes the squeaker or the toy was destroyed. I keep her favorite, Sea Horsey, by her picture.

Every time I saw Payton I just wanted to squeeze her and give her all of my kisses, even though I never received any most of her life. Instead, each time Payton and I would meet, she would sniff and lick my ears while pulling off my earrings. When I did not wear earrings, she would nibble on my ear lobe. How cute is that?!?  I could feel the softness of her fur and whiskers as she breathed on my face and in my ear. There are many endearing moments but her tender ear "kisses" are my favorite and have a special place in my heart. The last couple of days the Lord gave me to be with her were the best ever. I was on my knees, and she did nothing but gently gnaw on my ear, kissing them, and my face, and like never before, my lips.

I truly miss her! She gave me so many treasures I will never forget.  I thank God for His wonderful creation, teaching us how to love and be loved.   

What Gammy says is so true.  Payton would very rarely give her kisses on the face and never on the mouth...even when my mom would smear food on her lips trying to bribe Payton.  So it must be that Payton knew she needed to say goodbye.  And Gammy always gave in to Payton's treat requests.  I have no doubt she scored more than one tasty bite after this video was recorded.

Last up, but certainly not least is my silent [until now] partner and husband, Tim.  He was the one that really pushed me into starting the blog.

Hi everyone.  This is Payton's dad.  I want to say a few words to my girls.

Christy, I'm so proud of you.  You started the blog to raise awareness about PDE, and you've clearly begun to do just that.  As a by-product, you've created a wonderful catalog of Payton's life and adventures.  Your writing authentically captures Payton's spirit.  Many people across the world got a glimpse of how incredible our little girl was thanks to you.  You were an amazing mama.  Staying home with her full time was as challenging as it was rewarding.  But I know that she loved having you by her side through it all.  And I love and appreciate all you did for her.

Payton, you won me over the first time I saw your little expression.  I couldn't go home without you.  And even through all the tremendous difficulties that your situation caused, I would do it again in a heartbeat.  Your strength and determination cannot be put into words.  6 years with PDE!  Even the doctors could only smile and shake their heads in amazement.  And the whole time, you loved life.  You never let anything get you down.  That is what I hold on to.  You lived every day like it was the only moment that mattered.  In your memory, I'm trying to do the same.  I miss wrestling with you.   I miss giving you a "scratch session" when I come home from work.  I miss you "attacking" me with kisses.  I miss you.  I love you.  And I was so proud to be your dad.  I hope I get to see you again, my sweet P.

Payton had a routine when Tim got home from work every day.  Many of you saw the rubs and scratches post/video.  Well, just in case Tim would ever forgot, Payton would bark and follow him around until he picked her up.   This video is a prime example, and it was taken the Friday before she passed.

It's hard to say if Payton was a daddy's girl or a mommy's girl.  I was home with her for the last 5 1/2 years of her life (working from home 3 1/2 years and then becoming a full time pug mom for 2 years), so we did everything together.  But she knew that Tim was her provider and protector somehow.  She just loved to be with us.  Sometimes she would refuse to play until we were both home.  I feel privileged having had the opportunity to spend so much quality time with her, and so thankful that since being diagnosed with PDE, Payton was never alone.  She was always with me, Tim, Gammy, and/or Gampy.  Here are some of our favorite memories shared with our girl.

So the You Tube video was supposed to be imbedded here.  I have no idea why Blogger found the two videos above, but can't seem to display the third one in the pick list of my videos.  Ugh.  Sorry.  Here's the URL, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6i6g1sa0XQ.  Please check it out.

More memories tomorrow as I pay tribute to the pug behind the blog, the one and only, Pugnacious P. 

Love,
Christy 

March of the Penguin

As you all have seen in previous posts, Payton was such a toy killer.  For such a long time after she first came down with PDE, there didn't seem to be a toy on the planet to spark her interest.  Mainly I think she just didn't feel comfortable in her body, but once she got used to all of the medications, it was game on.  We were so excited when she picked up a toy out of the blue and wanted to play.  What a happy day that was!

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I am always excited to get a new toy, especially if it's a skinneez.  Mom and dad delivered with this cool penguin.  Right away my animal instincts took over, and I made sure it knew who was boss around here!

This skinneez has one of those "non-destructible" squeakers, but that just made me try even harder to kill it.  Check out this video of me in action.  (Sorry for the loud background noises...dad was doing the dishes and putting away some pots and pans.)

Sometimes breaking in a new toy can be exhausting.

But I'd say after a full hour of battle, I deserved a little nap.  After all, I did just get more exercise than mom does in a week!  Hehee!

Love,
Payton

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Payton loved to dig for her toys under blankets and in her bed.  She never quite mastered a perfect football hike, but came close a few times.  Her favorite game of hide and seek was with her Cuz.  If she got bored with simply playing fetch with it, all I had to do was squeak it under the blankie on her bed to get her going.  It got tougher to play as her eyesight declined.  We never wanted her to get to frustrated if she couldn't find it, but she was always eager to keep looking.  It still amazes me how much perseverance such a little dog can have.  I wish I was more like Payton.  She was such a bright light in my life and still her spirit shines.

Love,

Christy

The Hunt for the Next Top Bolster

From early on Payton always made sure her head was propped up on something. I don't know if she learned it from seeing us use pillows in bed (yeah, she was that smart) or if it's just pug instinct.  Regardless, she was always adorable resting her head on some kind of bolster.

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If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I love a good chin support, or bolster.  In fact, recently I showed you how I love to lay my head against the armrest of our loveseat in my post Crazy Couch Sleeper.  This got me to thinking about the other things in the house that I can use as a bolster.

Let's start out with the obvious choices like a pillow (quite a while back I actually did an entire post dedicated to my love of pillows aptly named Pillow Girl).

My Bowser Donut bed, always a favorite, is surrounded by a bolster for my head AND feet.

Body parts can be relaxing too.

Shin/knee area

Arm

Thigh/knee area

Yeah, mom is pretty comfortable.  Her stomach isn't bad either, but no pictures of that yet.  I've even sleep-barked while resting on her and lucky mom had her phone handy so she got it on film.

Now onto some ideas that might be a little more obscure.  Like the floor cushion.  You might think to lay on them, but then your head wouldn't be supported, and that just won't do!

Or how about an overstuffed toy?

Lastly, and perhaps the most difficult is a jumbled blanket.  It is so hard to get it just right with the correct amount of "shelf" dimensions.

Regardless of the type of head rest that works best for you, don't forget to live as my good friend Sid says and the world can be your bolster too!

Love,
Payton

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Like the other recent posts, all of these pictures were taken in 2012, some even a week or two before she passed away.  I've been sorting through old fashioned prints, collecting some oldies but goodies to scan and share with you all later.

Thanks for all of your continued support and prayer through this very difficult time.  I am trying my best to get through each day, but it is tough adjusting to life without my girl.  I like reliving these memories and being able to continue to share Payton, but the tears keep rolling down my cheeks...they are just easier to hide in cyberspace.

Love,

Christy

The Party

I'm not going to lie, the day didn't start out exactly how I wanted.  After chowing down on breakfast, I went back to bed as usual.  Mom got me up for my 9:30 am pills and then nothing.  Where's my presents, my new toys, my treats...good lord, where are my treats?!?

I double checked to make sure that it was actually my birthday and that's what the calendar on my mom's iPhone said, so I didn't understand why the party wasn't starting.  I thought that maybe one too many screws got loose in my mom's mind or she was having one of her (albeit dark) blonde moments, so I decided to start playing.  Maybe she would get the hint?  I think I went through all of my toys until it was time for lunch.  And then it happened!  I guess all of your comments guilted her into making my food!  I had my suspicions earlier in the week when mom was in the kitchen cooking AFTER dinner, so I stayed close to examine and supervise, but when I didn't get anything right away I had lost hope.

Russet and Sweet Potatoes

Green Beans

Poached Talapia Loins and Boiled Potatoes

I think this is my food.

Mom packaged up 1/3 protein to 2/3 potato and veggies into 1/2 cup servings.  I eat 3 meals a day so she'll cook this about once a week, I guess.  I also still get a tablespoon of the Blue Buffalo Wilderness Salmon kibble each meal.  YUMMY!  Ok, looks like this birthday is turning around.  Next up I got to open all of the other mail that was for me!

I received such great cards from Meredith/Scarlet (The Scarlet Sutras), Tiffy (It's Tiffy Time!), Zoe/Webster/Peyton/Liberty (A Day in the Life of Pugs), Fred/Pucia/Zuzia (Notes from the Bowl), and Sammy/Neko (Sammy and Neko), who also got mom that cool car magnet you see in the photo above AND this awesome ice cream cone for me!!

So now I was hopeful that there would be more great things in store.  And before I knew it mom was stuffing blue berries in my mouth to calm me because Gammy and Gampy had arrived! 

The treats worked great.  I did get excited to see them and was a bit out of breath but nothing serious or scary for the peeps to deal with.  Whew!  That means I get to see them again soon.  It was time for dinner.  Everyone was hungry.  I ate first (as it should be) and then everyone sat around the table enjoying fillet of beef sandwiches.  I couldn't believe it when mom gave me a few nibbles of her beef.  Talk about nom-able!  Now she is getting the hang of this birthday thing.  Then it was time for dessert, and it got even better!  A trio of grain free cupcakes made just for me.

Three different flavors too.  Apple, carrot, and carob...all with peanut butter frosting.  I got a little antsy and jumped the gun during the picture taking.  Yeah, I know you guys don't blame me one bit!

So after that little "incident", mom cut up pieces from each one and dad served it to me on a plate.

A fitting birthday treat!  Now on to more presents!  Of course, my attention went straight to Gampy.  He better have remembered to bring the jet.  Well, at least the keys!  That's when Gampy pulled something out of his pocket.

I look thrilled, don't I?

Not funny, Gampy!!  Not funny.  It may say "Hawaiian Excursion", but there is just no way that thing is going to get us there.  Sheesh!  Guess mom was right about not trusting Gampy's wild promises.  But if you ask me, I think he better go and buy a winning lottery ticket soon!

Well, that was my birthday.  I had a ton of fun!  Maybe by this time next year I'll have that jet and can fly all of my friends in for a party, pug style!  Hehee!  Have a great weekend!

Love,
Payton

PS.  I almost forgot!  Thanks to all of your kind birthday wishes on my post from Wednesday, my first Comment-a-thon was a huge success!  We purchased a big bag of dog food for Wilma's "Stuff My Doghouse" project!  If you want to help, see Wilma's blog and then check out the Homeward Bound Pug Rescue and Adoption of Oklahoma's Amazon wish list.

It's my 9th Birthday Bash and 1st Comment-a-thon!

 

Dearest Payton,
I just want to tell you how much I love you and how much I have loved every minute of our nine years together.  All of the ups, and even the down times, are so precious to me.  It is amazing that you are still in our lives, but I thank God for you every single day, and always ask Him to bless us with many more days together.  You are an inspiration, a miracle, and an angel on earth.  Happy 9th Birthday, baby girl.  Enjoy your day!
Love,
Mom

Sorry for the sappy note from my mom, but when she asked for the laptop, I didn't know what she was up to.  I probably owed her one, but now we're even.  Anyway, let's get this party started!!  First up, let me share with you an awesome early birthday gift from the Southern Fried Pugs.  You will not believe what they sent me...the sweetest, most thoughtful thing that has forever sealed them in my dad's heart...and made my mom leaky as she was helping me open the package...  My very own Chicago Bears cheerleading outfit!!

Yep, I'm totally ready for football season to start now.  Go Bears!  Da Bearsss!  Thanks so much Isabelle, Petunia, and Tallulah!!  Mom and dad are slackers when it comes to checking the mail, but they did last night.  There was a bunch of cards and such from even more friends.  I feel so loved...you guys are awesome!  Thanks!  Who knows how long they have been sitting in the mailbox.  Sheesh!  I'll have to tell you the specifics about them later because mom said I might as well wait until tonight to open them, so I will.  Although I don't really have a choice given my lack of usable thumbs, now do I?

Now for some more GREAT news!  My inhaler came in late Monday afternoon so Gammy and Gampy are coming over tonight!!  And mom promised me a very sweet treat!  This is going to be a great birthday party, so I better get some rest... 

Oh my pug, I'm up!  What a dream!  I was traveling the globe in my private jet with my frequent-flyer friends (Lola Pug, Sid, Suki, and Puglet) there to help show me the ropes!  Gampy better come through with his promise of a private jet for me tonight so I can visit ALL of my dear blogging friends, near and far!  My mom said not to hold my breath because Gampy promised her a pool a very, very long time ago and it never happened...although he says that my "training" pool from last summer counts.  Hmmm...yeah, good try, Gampy, but I'm not sure that cuts it.

Anyway, did mom just say it was almost time for my party?

I can taste the nomables already!

I should probably make sure everything is in order!

Mom, get your butt out of that chair and let's get to taste testing all the food before my special guests arrive!

Sheesh!  My work around here is never done.  I hope mom has it all together because I'm so excited!  I'll be sure to post pictures of my party and tell you all about it later this week.

Ok, enough about me.  Remember, this post is also my Comment-a-thon to help out Wilma's "Stuff My Doghouse" project that I told everyone about last Friday!

So please remember to leave a comment on this post today (March 21st) before the clock strikes midnight CST to help a good cause, specifically the Homeward Bound Pug Rescue and Adoption of Oklahoma!  And thanks to those of you who have already donated directly, especially those that said they would do so in my honor!

Love,
Payton

PS.  I just want to give a shout-out to Sid for the inspiration to visualize my dream using the Ken Burns effect!  If you haven't seen his studly potato video, it's a must!